Life in These Untidy States

On Friday Michael was getting ready for school when he uttered that phrase that strikes fear into the heart of every parent:  "Mom, I have to bring something for Show and Tell that starts with the letter 'k'."

Crud.

Of course I say this as a mom who sent him with a fake remote-controlled candle the day the letter was "n", because, you know, a candle has an "n" in it...

Oh, I just had an idea!  I could have sent him with his plastic pirate's hook!  (It has a "k" in it!)  But then, times being what they are, Michael would probably get expelled and I would get arrested and that really would have ruined my day.  Besides, Leah might not have been willing to part with it...  The night before at dinner she randomly announced, "Mom, I'm going to run away with Captain Hook!"  Then she and her siblings launched into a giggle fest because someone said, "booty."

I finally banished them all from the table when the conversation continued to deteriorate (why do kids find the word "poop" so hilarious?) and Leah tried to eat a spoonful of butter right out of the stick.  As soon as they were gone I might have taken my carefully measured tablespoon of crumbled bacon (only 35 calories!) and, because I didn't have to keep up appearances by throwing it on a salad, eaten it straight from my fist.  It was that kind of day.

You want to make something of it?

Now I'm cranky because it snowed today for like the 500th time this winter, David is working late as usual, Matthew threw up yesterday, and I got a call from the school this afternoon that Michael wasn't feeling well.  The good news is that Michael's distress magically disappeared as soon as we stepped over the threshold of our house.  The bad news is that his distress magically disappeared as soon as we stepped over the threshold of our house.  (Mysteriously, it keeps returning whenever I say, "Michael, clean up your room," or "Please empty the dishwasher."  Baffling).

Honestly, I don't think he was bluffing, per se.  I think it was just the kind of stomach issue that can be resolved with a couple of trips to the bathroom, which he was able to take at school while he was waiting for me to pick him up.  And honestly, who wants to risk miscalculating when there was actual vomiting in the house just yesterday?  Not I.  So I didn't push the issue.  But I did banish him to the couch as penance for troubling me to come get him from school.

Okay, okay, I did it so I could sneak a fudge bar from the freezer when no one was looking.

I'm such a good mom.