Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Man Behind the Mask

Who is the mysterious Spiderman?

We called in one of our best operatives (codename: Angelface) to see if she could charm the masked avenger into revealing his identity.

Ah, the delicious taste of success!

Shoulder Accessories

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Random Thoughts

One of the most meaningless words in the English language has got to be "luxury". Everything from my clearance-bin sheets to my poor-quality carpet was sold under the "luxury" banner. Come on, people, luxury is a penthouse apartment in NYC with enough enough original artwork to make the Met blush, not a crappy, K-Mart-brand hand towel that falls apart after three washings.

Children should come with shut-down buttons that don't allow their systems to reboot until 9 a.m.

Nothing makes me quite as twitchy as a Christmas stocking that has been hung the wrong way. The nail should be placed in the upper right corner so the toe of the stocking points left. The other way is backwards. Backwards, I tell you, backwards!

If I'm ever First Lady, I'm going to have my inaugural ball gown taken in three or four sizes before it's donated to the Smithsonian so that everyone who comes through will comment on how thin and fit I must have been.

Why do babies refuse to eat pears or applesauce and then take great delight in chewing on a petrified grape that has been residing with the dust bunnies under the couch?

Our house is under contract. I refuse to mop the kitchen floor again until after the movers come.

I love the word "ubiquitous". I feel like throwing it into all of my conversations just because I like the sound of it.

A sandwich always tastes better when it has a nice, salty potato chip in the middle.

Today I went to the craft store in search of Halloween-related items and found myself being serenaded by Christmas music. There is something so jarring about sifting through the bin of fake jack-o-lanterns while listening to Frank Sinatra sing "Jingle Bells".

Sometimes I think taking a small goat to the store would be easier than handling my almost-four-year-old.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Grammar Police

I fully admit that I'm prone to the overuse of commas (and parenthetical remarks), but that doesn't stop me from becoming excessively irritated when I run into a few of the more common grammatical errors that plague written communication these days. I very nearly had to quit facebook after receiving my hundredth notification that one of my friends had taken a quiz containing "your" (meaning "you are") as part of the results. "Your a good person/guy magnet/movie star..." Aaaghh. Make it stop!

Maybe it's a side-effect of being surrounded by a CUL8R text generation whose most formal method of communication is email, but regardless (not to be confused with "irregardless"), if I see one more college-educated person mistakenly interchange "there" and "their" (or especially "they're") I won't be responsible for my actions.

And as long as we're discussing things that bother me, nothing brings on a neck-scrunching convulsion faster than an apostrophe unnecessarily parked at the end of an unsuspecting word: grape's, for example, or tomato's. Or a picture of said "tomato's" that says "A picture of the tomato's and I." It's me! Me. Me. Me.

The only problem with my revealing this grammar-related neurosis is that now you know how to torture me. Lock me in a room and make me listen to tapes of someone saying, "Her and me ec-scaped" or "I could care less" and it will be five seconds, tops, before I'm curled up in the fetal position whimpering about the proper usage of "it's" versus "its".

Yeah, I'm asking for it. I fully expect a slew of comments pointing out my sentence fragments and misplaced quotation marks. And the fact that I just started this sentence with "and".

I never said my neurosis was hypocrisy-free.