Sunday, July 27, 2008

A Toast

May your toast always fulfill its function as a butter delivery device.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Husband-Bashing Commercials, Part 2

Grrrrr... One more company to add to the boycott list: Stanley Steemer.

"Do you have kids, pets, or a husband? How do you ever keep your carpet clean?"

Well gosh, I don't know! I mean, I follow my husband around with some spot shot and a vacuum all day, and I still can't keep his nasty man-cooties off the floor. Whatever shall I do?

I can tell you what I won't do, and that's call Stanley Steemer.

Incidentally, my carpets are pretty filthy at the moment. Time to pull out the Little Green.

Um... Yeah

Okay, either the writers at Us Weekly are on drugs, or they are just plain idiots.

Forget Mother Nature – Us Weekly reports in its new issue, on newsstands now, that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt turned to fertility treatments to quickly conceive twins Knox and Vivienne.

"They conceived through in vitro fertilization," a well-placed source within their camp tells Us. "They both desperately wanted more babies soon."

The chance of having fraternal twins at Angelina's age (33) naturally is under 1 percent; with in vitro, the chances are 25 percent. Says Dr. Arthur Wisot of L.A.'s Reproductive Medical Group (who did not treat the couple), "We live in an era of reproductive freedom, so anybody can do anything they want within legal limits."

The actress chose the procedure (which can cost around $12,000 a pop) so "she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant," the source tells Us. "She could just knock it out."

"If we're going to have 10 kids, we'd like to raise them while we're young," she told Elle U.K. last year. Brad Pitt turns 45 on December 18.

A source adds: "They were too impatient."

Pardon me while I wipe the tears of mirth from my eyes.

Speaking from experience, let me just share this little tidbit with you: IVF IS STRESSFUL. You cannot imagine how stressful and awful it is unless you have been through it yourself. And anyone who thinks someone would resort to IVF so they wouldn't have to deal with the "stress" of getting pregnant the natural way is completely delusional. Last time I checked, intimacy with your spouse is a lot more fun than intimacy with cold metal probes, an army of doctors, a box full of needles, and enough hormones to cause an elephant to experience severe emotional distress.

Wow, two celebrity-related posts in a row. I feel so cosmopolitan!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Information You Should Keep To Yourself

There are certain things I will never understand, like why Oliver likes Charcoal Kabob so much, and why Michael refuses to eat ice cream from a spoon but will slurp it up greedily through a straw.

I now have a new one to add to my list. This morning one of the tidbits of "news" that greeted me as I perused my favorite websites was this gem:

Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell, who celebrated their first wedding anniversary July 14, are not expecting a baby - yet!

"We're trying to get pregnant," the actor told PEOPLE Saturday at the Playboy Mansion, where he stepped out for Much Love Animal Rescue's 2nd annual Bow Wow Wow event in Los Angeles. "It would be amazing if it happened. I hope it does."

O'Connell, who says trying to get pregnant is "a lot of fun," brought along the couple's dogs Taco and Better who he called "our babies."

Blah, blah, blah. How this doesn't qualify as news is beside the point. I just can't understand why you'd want to tell the whole world you are trying to have a baby and what fun you are having in the process. And I'm almost certain we will see some sort of invasion-of-privacy lawsuit from this couple in a few years when some nosy paparrazo tries to get a picture of the darling little ankle-biter.

Seriously, is nothing sacred? There are just some things the whole world does not need to know, and most of them involve how much fun you are having in your bedroom.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

DNA Malfunctions

I think I am missing a few standard-issue female genes. Like the ones that cause most women to enjoy shopping and manicures, and to buy a purse to match every outfit they own.

But those things are relatively minor flaws in my girliness, I admit. So in the way of more serious confessions, here is a true shocker: I cannot stand Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" vampire series. I know I'm setting myself up for hate mail from half the women I know, but seriously, Bella is such an idiot, and "Twilight" is just not a love story. And that's all I can say about it because if I dwell on the subject any longer I will get so worked up I will be unable to speak rationally.

Like I said, I must be missing something.

Why I Won't Buy Brawny Paper Towels

Brawny has a commercial that irritates me every time I see it. Actually, it doesn't just irritate me, it offends me. One of the lines is, "If you don't have to go back and clean up what your husband just cleaned, you are a magician!" Well, let me run out to the store and buy your product. I love companies that insult men.

Why is it that men-bashing has become so acceptable in our society? It seems like there is a free pass when it comes to making fun of the men in our lives. Can you imagine the outrage if Brawny had changed the script in that commercial to say "If you don't have to go back and clean up what your wife just cleaned, then you are a magician!" Can you say lawsuit? I can't imagine the amount of indignation that would ensue, and Brawny would be boycotted right out of business. But as it is, everyone is supposed to laugh knowingly, pat their "inept" husband on the head, and rush off to clean up after the helpless buffoon. And the husbands are just supposed to sit there and take it.

Well, not in my house. Brawny is officially banished for life. And I wrote the company and told them so.

Friday, July 11, 2008


I'm slightly addicted to email. Okay, maybe "slightly" is too mild a term. Let's just say that if I'm home and I can't check my email, I get a little twitchy. And cranky. And I hyperventilate.

Okay, I'm not that bad. But seriously, without the internet I feel so disconnected. I hate knowing I have unread email just sitting there in my inbox. Who knows what fascinating discussions are going on without me!

So when my computer wouldn't let me use internet for the whole day yesterday I was getting pretty stressed. Thankfully David brought his laptop home so I could check the email.

It's a sickness.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Experiments in Dizziness

Michael loves to spin in circles. He could probably spin for hours if it weren't for the fact that he inevitably spins into some inanimate object and gives himself a bruise. Recently he learned a new trick to mix in with the spinning. Behold, the somersault:

I'm not sure what it is about the sensation of dizziness that makes it so enticing to a child, but just writing this post is making me sick. I need to go lie down.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Beware The Grim

I spent four fun-filled hours in the E.R. this morning, attended to by Dr. Grim. Personally I would have preferred a Doctor "Helpful" or a Doctor "This-Won't-Hurt-A-Bit". Actually, by the end of the four hours I would have preferred a Doctor "Fast" or Doctor "Efficient", but let's not be picky. I am alive and well, and I had a Klondike Bar for dinner (nothing says balanced nutrition like chocolate-dipped ice cream!) so things are looking up.

A Smile From Michael

How can you say no to this face?

Succumbing To Peer Pressure

Well, we did it. We finally gave in to all the pestering, whining, begging, pleading, and groveling from our friends (read: Oliver) and are starting our very own blog. This is not to be confused with the blog that Oliver started for us, and regularly posted to using our identities. David tells the young men not to give in to peer pressure, but in this case, one can only stand so much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth before the defenses crumble. Besides, we had to create a way for Clara to receive regular updates and pics of Michael after she moves away.

So welcome to our blog. We hope you enjoy it. And if you aren't interested in the mundane details of our lives, we hope you are looking forward to not reading it!