Friday, February 1, 2013

The Twilight Saga

A week ago when David was scrolling through TV channels, he happened upon "Eclipse" and suggested we watch the entire "Twilight" series.  "For the sake of pop culture awareness," he said, "I feel like I have to torture myself and watch it sometime."

All right, then.

Now, if you know me, you know I hate "Twilight".  I couldn't even read the second book because I hated the first one so much.  (Dumbest girl on the planet meets sparkly, stalking creeper, gets obsessed with his 10-warning-signs-of-an-abuser behavior, and puts herself in constant mortal danger so she can exchange long, brooding glances with him?  Sign me up!)

That said, I do enjoy a good laugh at the expense of a bad movie now and then.  And it's been years since we sat through "Twilight" for the first time (which we did solely for the sake of writing a review, which you can read here), so we watched.  And it was all worth it for this one classic piece of dialogue:

"Hold on tight, spidermonkey!"

Ahahahahaha!  Worst screenwriting ever.

But, by far, my favorite scene is with Bella and a glittering Edward standing in a meadow, having the following conversation (I am not making this up):

EDWARD:  "I'm designed to kill."

BELLA:  "I don't care."

EDWARD:  "I've killed people before."

BELLA:  "It doesn't matter."

EDWARD:  "I wanted to kill you at first.  I've never wanted a human's blood so much before."

BELLA:  "I trust you."

Ahem.  Allow me to interpret:

EDWARD:  "I want to kill you."

BELLA:  "I know, but I'm dumber than rocks so I'll continue to wander alone in the woods with you.  And you have such beautiful sparkly skin."

EDWARD:  "You wouldn't be the first person I've killed."

BELLA:  "Actually, rocks are like nuclear physicists compared to me.  And your eyes are so mesmerizing.  Let's stare at each other and breathe deeply."

EDWARD:  "I've wanted to kill you ever since I met you."  

BELLA:  "Here, let me test that statement by putting my pulsing carotid artery right next to your teeth.  And don't worry, I made sure not to tell anyone where I was going.  I'd hate for someone to be able to save me from my own stupidity."

Honestly, people, this is romance?

That said, David and I will be watching the second movie tonight, in which I hear the Edward vs. Jacob dilemma begins.  All I've got to say is that Jacob better cut his hair, because, while Bella's blood might be Edward's own "personal brand of heroin", Jacob's long tresses are like my own personal brand of ipecac.

And you know how much I hate puking.


fiona said...

I didn't read the whole series, or see all the movies, but I DID go see the most recent one. It was fun b/c I went with a whole bunch of friends, but the movie itself... oh, man. I got an icee, though! Yay!

kws said...

I am laughing so hard at this. And yes, he does get rid of the long hair.