Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Pits of Despair

My body isn't perfect. Shocking, I know. You'd think the head-to-toe stretchmarks would spruce up the decor a bit, but no. They are just arrows pointing to a midsection that has the look of an almost-deflated helium balloon - a little wrinkled, bulgy, and strangely spongy. (Sometimes I poke it just to experience the odd recoil).

But, I honestly have no problem with this. I make jokes about my body because it is obvious it is not beach-ready (I may be willing to overlook my imperfections, but I'm not blind), but it really doesn't bother me that the sight of me in a bikini would traumatize the masses - I just don't wear a bikini. Besides, how can I let it bother me? I have three kids, for heaven's sake. They each brought a few scars along with them - including "a really beautiful" c-section scar my obgyn suggested I show off to my girlfriends because it's so straight or so scar-like or whatever her reasoning was. Um, no. I love my friends too much to force that sight on them. Even my husband is spared the view because my scar is veiled by ten feet of extra skin I gained from my pregnancy with the twins. Lucky him.

Joking aside, I think it's important to take good care of my body, and I'm trying to cut back on my vacuum mode when I open up the pantry (I don't actually need those goldfish crackers or another brownie. Well... maybe the brownie). I have fitness and health goals. I shower and get ready every day. I try to wear clothes that are flattering. And I thought that was good enough.

That was until I found out I should be worrying about my ugly armpits.

Is it just me or are armpits, by definition, "ugly"? Seriously. When has a woman ever raised her arms and caused you to say, "My, what lovely pits she's got!"? Armpits, like butt cracks, are made to be hidden. Because they are not attractive. Got that? NOT ATTRACTIVE.

I remember this wedding I attended once where an overweight bride chose an unfortunate strapless dress that caused me to think, as she walked glowingly down the aisle, "Oh, those folds of skin around her armpits are really distracting."

So, I don't know, maybe there is something to this beautifying your armpits business.

But honestly, I think it's just better if we all put our armpits away.


MyDonkeySix said...

Amen! As if women need one more thing to worry about. Sheesh! No one really sees your arm pits. But I do agree that nasty skin flaps bursting over halter and tank tops are scary. That's not ugly armpits, that's just lack of fashion sense.

Twinkies said...

What no pictures of the bride? At first I thought you were describing my body until you said that yours sprung back after poking.

Armpits on men and women are just gross. The harrier (sp?) the nastier.