Sunday, April 19, 2009

Fashion Tips for the Utterly Fashionless

As we are now entering spring and summer, I figured it was a good time to share some basic fashion tips with you, to help you look your best this season:

Stretch pants look good on no one. I don't care if you are a size 2 - they do not look good on you. And it doesn't matter how comfortable they are - no one wants a close up of your lumpy thighs. If you feel you simply cannot live without stretch pants, buy them in black and choose a brightly colored shirt so our eyes will be drawn mercifully up instead of down.

Nothing ruins a flirty, feminine outfit like a big snake tattoo. It is best to avoid permanent inking altogether (because aging skin and gravity will not be kind to that dolphin swimming just above your butt crack) but if you just can't resist the urge to stamp yourself with iron-clad proof of your stupidity, keep it small, and keep it covered.

A woman does not exist whose breasts are perky enough to go bra-free. If you are ever tempted to leave the house without a little support, install a full-length mirror on your front door with phrases like, "Feeling saggy today, are we?" and "Boobs like bras, not tube tops".

And speaking of tube tops, they are not their own support system. While it is best to avoid this fashion altogether, if you must wear one, find yourself a strapless bra to help things from migrating too far south. Better yet, find a cute little jacket to go over the top.

While wandering around without a bra is not attractive, neither is the other extreme of wearing push-up waterbra contraptions that squish your breasts into your three-sizes-too-small shirt. I hate to tell you, but this technique does not make your decolletage look any bigger. It just makes your boobs look as if they are struggling to come up for air.

If you would wear something on your wedding night, it is not appropriate for public viewing.

Avoid short skirts. If you feel you must show off your thighs, make sure your skirt is long enough that no one can ascertain whether or not you forgot to wear your underthings.

Vinyl, leather, or otherwise reflective material does not produce flattering pants. No matter how small your legs are, they will look three sizes bigger in these types of fabrics. It is best to avoid them altogether.

Wear the proper size of clothing so your fat rolls do not look as if they are trying to escape their denim prison.

Any extra skin resting on top of your waistline should be covered. No one wants to become acquainted with your stretch marks or c-section scars.

Repeat after me: underwear is not outerwear.

For every inch you've added to your hips since your eighteenth birthday, add an inch in length to your shorts.

Contrary to very popular belief, breasts do not need to be aired out. A light covering provides plenty of breathing room and greatly lowers the risk of wardrobe malfunctions.

Wearing kitten heels to Disneyland does not make you look sexy. It makes you look stupid. This also applies to sightseeing tourists and hikers in national parks.


Aaron said...

"Wear the proper size of clothing so your fat rolls do not look as if they are trying to escape their denim prison."

aka... muffin top (runs off to yack)

MyDonkeySix said...

So are you saying I should return the bikini I just bought? Jacob is 4 months old, you know. ;)

Love the "breasts don't need to be aired out" line. I've seen so many supposedly suffocating boobs here already. Nasty!

Cameron and Nonie Gay said...

Oh, that is too funny. Thanks for making my day. There are way too many people who need to read this. Love you and miss you. Can't wait till next tax season so I can see you again.

fiona said...

aHahaha!! I was laughing the whole way through this, Bonnie! Great advice. Unfortunate that any of that needs to be said, huh!?

Evil HR Lady said...

Have you been riding the subway again?