I Now Pronounce You Idiot and Idiot

Bridezilla is alive and well, and in today's "Dear Annie":

Dear Annie: Is there a rule about how much to give a couple as a monetary gift at their wedding? I'm getting married soon and I understand attendees shouldn't be expected to give more than they can afford. But as couples are getting married later in life, they are also cleaning out their own savings in order to have a nice celebration. Times are tough for us, too. Parents don't always foot the bill, and even with the best budgeting bride a nice reception easily runs at $50 per plate.

I was recently at a wedding where two guests gave the couple $25 each. This seems like an insult rather than a gift. The couple must have spent a lot more than that per plate. With good food, liquor and dancing, why would anyone think it's OK to give such a small gift? — Broke Bride-to-Be

This letter is so pathetic, I almost don't know where to begin. Oh wait, yes I do:

Dear Whiny, Selfish, Spoiled Brat,

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! I am simply amazed that someone as revolting as you could snatch up a groom (poor fellow). But since you managed to ensnare a husband, let's dissect your letter one piece at a time.

Is there a rule about how much to give a couple as a monetary gift at their wedding? Do you mean, should there be a cover charge for your wedding? Heavens, no. How tacky to suggest such a thing.

I'm getting married soon and I understand attendees shouldn't be expected to give more than they can afford. But as couples are getting married later in life, they are also cleaning out their own savings in order to have a nice celebration. What, as opposed to the young couples who are rolling around in dough? And since when is something as ridiculous as cleaning out one's savings account to host a party considered wise, prudent, or even socially acceptable?

Times are tough for us too. If times are that tough, don't spend all your money on a party.

Parents don't always foot the bill, and even with the best budgeting bride a nice reception easily runs at $50 per plate. Why should your parents foot the bill when you are both established professionals? And since when is a "nice reception" only doable at $50 a plate?

I was recently at a wedding where two guests gave the couple $25 each. The horror! How dare they share their hard-earned money with the bride and groom, out of the goodness of their hearts?

This seems like an insult rather than a gift. Since when is a gift only acceptable if it is within certain parameters? Apparently you have confused "gift" for "entitlement". Guests should not be fined for coming to a wedding.

The couple must have spent a lot more than that per plate. And this is the guest's problem because...? The last time I checked there were no government mandates requiring lobster and caviar to be served at all wedding receptions.

With good food, liquor and dancing, why would anyone think it's OK to give such a small gift? A gift is not a reimbursement for your stupidity. (If it were, the box would need to be a lot bigger). It is generally thought that a couple invites wedding guests based on friendship and a wish to share an important event with them, not out of a desire to pick their pockets.

Sheesh. I give this marriage one year, max. I just can't understand why people feel the need to spend such ridiculous amounts of money on one day. If you are willing to spend all your savings or go into huge amounts of debt for a wedding (or the hand bauble - I'm quite sure she probably hounded her fiancee into mortgaging the farm for her engagement ring as well) then you are too immature to get married.

But what do I know? When I got engaged I told David I wanted a cubic zirconium and a washer and dryer, and I spent a grand total of $75 on my wedding dress. There is obviously something wrong with me. And with my marriage. Here I am nearly eight years later and still deliriously happy and in love.

What's up with that?