Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Mind of Beyonce

You know those songs you hear on the radio and then spend the rest of the day singing one line and cursing the fact that you can't remember the rest of the words? It is impossible for that to happen with one of Beyonce's songs, for the simple reason that her songs consist of one line, lathered, rinsed and repeated a thousand times until the listener is ready to blast the statement "you must not know 'bout me" out of their ear with the help of a blow torch.

So imagine my surprise when I was listening to the radio one day to hear a Beyonce song with what might be described as an actual melody. Dare I say it was like music to my ears? (She actually does have a nice voice when it is matched to a discernible tune). But as I listened to the lyrics, I had to be annoyed once more.

The song, "If I Were a Boy", is one of those monster hits that is so overplayed you try to switch radio stations to avoid it, only to find the station you switched to is in the middle of playing it. The basic premise is that men are big insensitive jerks who treat their women like dirt, but if women were boys they would be the model of compassion and kindness. Because, of course, only women are capable of understanding pain and hurt. Guys never feel sad, right? They are too busy being chauvinist pigs to feel pain.

Ah, if only we were all women. Then we'd all understand each other...

(Do the women who write these songs ever stop to think that their men might feel just as misunderstood and just as hurt as they do? I doubt it. It's a me-me-me-me world, after all).

So let's look at another current Beyonce hit. This one is called "All the Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)". This one came to my attention one Saturday morning while watching VH1's video countdown. (I know, who'd have thought that VH1 actually played music videos anymore?) This song takes place after the break-up of a three year relationship, with Beyonce dancing around like a stripper and singing:

You can't be mad at me
Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it
If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it

I'll pause while we take a moment of silence for our deceased friend, Poetry.

Ahem. So I guess what the boyfriend is supposed to realize is that if he likes all that gyrating hip action, he should have put a ring on the gyrator's finger.

Is it really necessary to point out what the boyfriend is probably thinking? I mean, what is the point of putting a ring on your girlfriend's finger when you can get all that hip action for free? And when you're tired of girlfriend #1, you can just move on to the next available freebie?

Perhaps I should pen the next big Beyonce hit, "If You Want a Ring on Your Finger, Stop Acting Like a Slut". Catchy, no?

Seriously, I just don't get some women these days. If only I were a pop star, then maybe I'd understand.


Misty said...

Bonnie, you crack my up. Thanks for the laugh.

Misty said...

umm, I mean "you crack ME up"...guess I could write for Beyonce with my grammer.

Aaron said...

Oh no you dih'n just hate on my brown shugah!

Tiffany says it looks like Beyonce's hips are dislocating when she does that dance... I asked if Tiffany could dislocate her hips.

My only serious thought here is that there is a large segment of women out there who have never grown up with a proper and faithful father figure/husband and this song (If I were a boy) probably strikes deep with them. This song was written for them, not for the women lucky enough to marry the Davids of the world. :)

Tara said...

I happen to love Beyonce. . . ummm, okay, I've never heard half of those songs you wrote about, but now I feel like I'm not missing too much by being a nerd! Music today makes me feel old because I listen to Miley Cyrus and the Jonas brothers and I think--they can SING?? It doesn't sound like music to me.

Evil HR Lady said...

I'll pause while we take a moment of silence for our deceased friend, Poetry.

Best line!

And while we're talking about stupid songs, what about Carrie Underwood and "Before he cheats?" Ummm, lady, he's cheating on you because you are a freaking psycho.

Kelly and Kimberly said...

Okay, I just caught up on all your latest blog posts. Bonnie, you are hilarious! I love it.

Rob and Erin said...

I agree with Evil HR Lady. Best line! and so sadly accurate.

Megan B said...

I snickered all through this. Poetry?