Friday, January 9, 2009

To Die(t) or Not to Die(t)

Ah, it's a new year. A time for setting goals with the motivation that comes from having a clean slate. Generally, I don't set New Year's Resolutions because they mostly involve exercise and losing weight, and I never seem to meet them. I might get started, but eventually I decide it's not worth the agony and sling back a couple of donuts. I have yet to find a form of exercise that doesn't make me want to claw my eyes out with boredom. And I just like eating brownies more than I like fitting into my clothes.

But seriously, even though I am now walking everywhere, my pants seem to be getting even tighter. And these are the pants that are up one size from my pre-Michael days. (And let's not even talk about my pre-wedding days). Sigh. I'm sure this has nothing to do with the whale-sized portions of treats I ate over the holidays, though.

The serious problem with living in NYC is that while you might be walking everywhere, that means you are walking past bakeries and popcorn shops, restaurants, cafes, and even the little stands where they sell roasted nuts. Man, those smell good! And we're only here for a year which means I need to try everything, right?

Generally, I have two fitness-related ambitions: I want my boobs to stick out farther than my stomach, and I want to avoid the acquisition of a shelf-butt at all costs. (You know what I mean - one of those butts that seems to move independently of the rest of a person's body, and that looks capable of supporting a collection of heirloom knickknacks). And I suppose it might be nice to be able to run up the stairs without getting winded.

The problem is, if you try to get rid of the extra padding that constitutes the beginnings of a shelf-butt, you lose the extra weight from your boobs first! (Am I right, ladies?) And I just don't know if I can afford to lose any weight from my chest. I mean, you know it's bad when you have to shop in the you-don't-really-need-a-bra-but-we'll-humor-you section. Or when your padded bras could get up and walk away by themselves.

It's a tough life I lead...

So what it comes down to is that I've been debating going back on weight-watchers. I think I lasted, oh, a week last time. And the memory of how painful it was is still horrifically clear. But I'm almost disgusted enough with myself that it's maybe, kind of, sort of tempting.

I guess it's just a question of how tight my pants can get before the recoil from taking them off will pitch me out the window. I'm not there yet, so I guess I can still pack away a few more treats.

Mmmm... sugar.

8 comments:

Kristin said...

Hahahahahahaha!

I love you, Bonnie.

MyDonkey Five said...

That's funny! I've always had the same two goals. No stomach pooching out more than boobs and no mondo-bus load butt.

Good luck! Yummy sugar...

Stephanie Black said...

Well, I think I flunk on the stomach thing. I have the pooch that got the recent comment, "So you're expecting?" Um, no.

I want to lose weight, in the sense that I'd like to be skinnier, but don't want to suffer to get there. I just don't yet have the required determination to do Weight Watchers. What I'm doing now is exercising and trying to cut back on my saturated fat, since I also have horrible cholesterol . . . sigh.

overlyactive said...

So I noticed no men commented on this subject, I think for the most part to not get in trouble they become mute. =)
I hate to spend money on doing something you know you should. I have been going to Planet Fitness which I love the price and I love that I have fellow neighbors who go with me. But the food thing is an issue for me as well. I love the sweets. So I started tracking my food on mypyriamidtracker.gov. Love it because I don't have to pay a cent and it's very comprehensive. I am just reporting for me. You may want to try it before you commit to spending the moula for weight watchers.

singingrae said...

Hahahahahaha! Oh man, you really hit the nail on the head with this entry. And, by the way, I have no idea what you are talking about in terms of needing to lose weight. You look fabulous in the picture of you and Michael sitting behind that delicious looking bit of candy bar heaven!

fiona said...

okay, so I tried to comment the other day, then accidentally erased a rather longish (shocking, I know) comment and then had to get off the computer, etc., etc... anyway, I just was basically saying, "aHahahaha!!" You are hilarious. Love the fitness goals. I had a totally cute and tiny roommate once w/shelf boobs. Not anything to do with your post, but your ambitions reminded me of her. Smush them together, kinda...(the ambitions, not the boobs).

And I think it's your RESPONSIBILITY to sample all the yummies there in NYC. Kinda like how kids were always told to eat their veggies because there were "kids starving in (insert country name here)." Do it for all of us. But in moderation. Of course with exceptions...like, um, that delectable-looking candy bar thing... ;)

Megan B said...

This is such a hilarious post. You know, like all of them.

Megan B said...

Oh, and the grass is always greener. I'd LOVE for my boobs to shrink. When I'm heavy, I look big-boobed and big-butted. When I'm thinner, I look like a table top dancer. Either way, I haven't seen my feet since the mid 90's.