I'm Not What I Am

The "son" of Cher, formerly known as her daughter, Chastity Bono (see, this is what happens when you name your daughter "Chastity" - irony is sure to bite you in the buns) has written a tell-all about her, um, I mean "his" experience with being a man in a woman's body, which has resulted in the hacking off of several body parts and loading up with male hormones in order to masquerade as a man.

Elsewhere in the news, a group of transgender individuals is suing New York City to be allowed to have their birth certificates changed to reflect their "true" gender.

Maybe it's just me, but doesn't it make sense that your birth certificate should list your birth statistics, because, you know, it's a birth certificate? If we're in the business of changing birth certificates to match our current status (or perceived status), why not change mine to my married name? I mean, I am married now. So what if I wasn't when I was born? Or why can't I say I was born in London or Paris? That would be so much cooler than saying I was born in Utah.

If we're so determined to acknowledge fantasy as being reality (and as long as I was born in London), I want recognition as being the Queen of England. So what if I'm not really Her Majesty? I can fake a decent British accent and I have a crown I bought from Claire's several Halloweens ago. Who's to say I'm not the queen? If I dress like her and act like her and have look-alike plastic surgery and daily doses of aging potion, doesn't that make me the queen?

If I insisted that this was my reality and that everyone around me conform to my delusion, I would have a reserved seat in a psychiatric ward. But, since Ms. Bono seems to get away with insisting that "gender is between your ears, not legs," well, then, make sure you curtsy when you leave my presence. And inform Jeeves that I would like orange juice with my breakfast. Thank you.

In all seriousness, while I may make light of the situation, my heart truly does go out to someone who is so confused about the purpose of life that radical plastic surgery is the only answer. However, I remain bewildered. Surely God is not in the business of mismatching spirits and bodies. In fact, he has said so himself, through living prophets: "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

Too bad that clears up any confusion.

I really did want to be the Queen of England.