Last night we sat on the couch watching the Americans swim the 4x100 meter relay. "Go! Go! Go!" we yelled. "Faster!!!" We even stood up and pumped our arms a little in the excitement of it all. Then, when the race was over and the Americans had come in second, we sat back on the couch, put our hands in a bucket of popcorn, and our faces in a box of ice cream sandwiches.
Really, don't you think it's kind of funny that we are all gathered around big bowls of junk food telling people who could probably strangle us with their thighs to "GO FASTER!!!"?
And then I woke up this morning to the news headline: "Disaster! Phelps Loses His Golden Touch as France Wins Relay." Um, not to be picky here, but Phelps actually won his portion of the race and gave the Americans a lead. Yes, I know he didn't perform well on his first race of the games and everyone is secretly enjoying the fact that he's fallen from his golden perch, but seriously, the man has 17 Olympic medals -- 14 of them gold -- and has set 39 world records. So I guess what I'm saying is I think we should all shut up now.
We should also shut up about the Queen looking bored and picking her nails for fifteen seconds during the opening ceremonies. I mean -- this is what -- her five billionth official event? That makes me bored just thinking about it. (Although, in the interest of full disclosure, I say this as someone who fast-forwarded the entire parade of nations because, really, who cares about the team from Angola? I'm just saying).
Personally, I think it would have been a lot more interesting if they'd brought Voldemort back and let he and Mary Poppins have an old-school duel.
And speaking of Voldemort, I think he has been at work behind the scenes: did you see the incredible shrinking bikini bottoms of the women's beach volleyball team? Who wants to play in those?! For the love of dignity, no woman should ever be required to pick a tiny swimsuit out of her butt crack every time she makes a good save.
As for other things I could do without? The men's gymnastics teams' armpit hair and those annoying announcers who stick cameras in competitors' faces right after they they biff it on international television. "You just lost out on the dream you've been training for your whole life! How does it feel?"
*Athlete runs away sobbing*
"There you have it, folks! Another inspiring Olympic moment! Back to you, Bob."
Unfortunately, we'll never know if Bob Costas is moved by it or not, seeing as too much Botox has rendered his forehead immoveable. Maybe at the next Olympics they can hand out medals to journalists who can still raise their eyebrows.