We Held These Truths to Be Self-Evident (Until We Became Parents)

A toilet plunger is not a sword.

Or a pacifier.

Or a hat.

Neither is a toilet brush.

There's a reason pre-chewed gum is not available for resale.

Edible foods do not include things found on the sidewalk, in the garbage can, or on the bottom of a shoe.

Grocery cart handles are not intended for licking.

Contrary to popular belief, the bathtub does not double as a toilet.

Toothbrushes can be used for cleaning or for brushing one's teeth, but the two are mutually exclusive.

If you don't want to share something, it is best not to announce what you have and wave it in your siblings' faces saying, "Look what I got!"

Tonight's spaghetti dinner is not meant to be used as a deep hair conditioner.

Diaper removal is meant to be handled with adult supervision.

Rain puddles are not suitable for drinking.

Puddles anywhere are not suitable for drinking.

Scissors are not intended for haircuts or clothing alterations.

Markers should not be used on walls, doors, bodies, or the family photo album.

Snot is not a food group.

Biting your toenails is physically difficult for a reason.

Milk in a blue cup tastes exactly the same as milk in a green cup.

Electrical outlets are not compatible with forks, knives, pretzels, sticks, or pens.

Public bathrooms should not be explored on hands and knees.

Sticking an object in your diaper never improves the object in form or function.

Proper uses of the toilet do not include licking, splashing, bathing, bailing, drinking, or dunking.

*This post is dedicated to the memory of Leah's beloved Zhu Zhu pet (Dec. 25, 2011 - Dec. 27, 2011) who died an ignominious death after being dunked unceremoniously in the toilet.*