Friday, January 14, 2011

Just One Question

The UPS man knocked on my door today. I love the UPS man. We have quite a bond after I bought out amazon.com in preparation for the Christmas/birthday season. This time I was hoping for something chocolate. Instead I got something "chocolate". It turns out I am the lucky recipient of a 21-day supply of the Smart for Life Cookie Diet!

Um, wheeee.

I'm not sure what possessed a company to send me a 21-day supply of their disgusting diet food. I would think that a basic requirement for getting someone hooked on a product is that the product must actually taste good. As it is, one bite of one cookie was enough to convince me that I would rather be relegated to a life of consuming nothing but wheat grass.

Still, before I chucked the whole box in the garbage (saving a cookie for David to sample and detest, of course), I opened up the information pamphlet. If I didn't want to sign up for the diet before, I certainly do now. The following foods are off limits:

fats
oils
milk products
fruit
fruit juice
sugar
honey
bread
pasta
corn
rice
potatoes
chewing gum
breath mints

I have just one question: What is the point of living if you can't eat any of these things? A life without carbs and fat (except in the form of revolting little cookies) is no life at all, in my opinion.

But, I had those thoughts before I saw the list of things you can have while following this diet and realized it might actually be doable. If, after dinner (your one actual meal of the day, consisting of things like fish, egg whites, and non-fat cheese), you are craving a little snack, you can indulge yourself with:

1 dill pickle
1 sugar-free popsicle
2 servings of sugar-free Jello
celery

Really? You mean I can have CELERY for a snack?

Where do I sign up?

6 comments:

Stan said...

Hmmm, I ate everything on the list of banned items, except for the fruit, and still managed to lose weight. Now I am confused.

MyDonkeySix said...

Wow, oh wow. I can't fathom why you didn't want to sign up. Why want to enjoy life when you can have pickles and celery?! Gag!

Suzanne Lucas said...

While I do like a good dill pickle, celery is not a snack.

Brownies are a good snack.

Cameron and Nonie said...

Please keep writing. You're hilarious. Besides, there's got to be a diet where the main food group is chocolate somewhere...That's the one I'm looking for.

fiona said...

Mmmmm... "chocolate!" Celery is a yummy snack if it also involves peanut butter, cream cheese, or ranch dressing. I get the feeling those items are somewhat frowned upon...

Megan B ♥ said...

Sounds like you got what you paid for. Grrrrooooosssss....