A Soft Approach

The headline of this article is: "Do we want toilet paper to be soft or good for the environment?"

Hmmm... let me think...

There are a few things out there that I will absolutely not give up, even if my doing so meant that I could single-handedly save the earth from whatever impending environmental disaster is supposed to kill us all. Disposable diapers are number one. Soft toilet paper just might be number two (no pun intended).

But I guess I'm just selfish that way. Because, apparently, the soft, quilted stuff comes from virgin forests, while the rough, flimsy stuff comes from paper that has been around the block a few times. According to an unnamed source, if every American family would buy just one recycled roll of toilet paper one time it would save something like 400,000 trees.

That's all well and good, but honestly, who likes to sandpaper their behind after using the facilities? I feel no need to bond with my ancestors by employing their medieval wiping methods.

And am I the only one who has noticed that the tiny squares of counterfeit toilet paper in public restrooms result in the need to use a stack-and-a-half for one potty session? It's the soft, quilted stuff that does the job more efficiently, and it requires a fraction of the paper.

So the soft approach seems to make more environmental sense, especially if you are Sheryl Crow, who said a few years ago: "I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required."

She later said she was joking, but that's probably because she got caught by the paparazzi buying a Costco-sized bag of Charmin Ultra.

But hey, as long as she only uses one square at a time...