Why Do I Do This To Myself?

I have this terrible compulsion to read magazine articles about pregnancy, even knowing it will be emotionally painful for me. I just can't seem to help myself. Today's foray into stupidity was in a magazine David had brought home for me because the lead article was "50 kid-friendly NYC activities". But did I open it to that page and begin reading? No, my eye was drawn to the smaller blurb "Older, Wiser... and Accidentally Pregnant."

Even while telling myself that reading this article would be a mistake, I just couldn't resist. I don't know why I do this to myself. Perhaps it's some sort of masochistic desire to make my heart bleed, maybe I'm hoping that reading an article about ultra-fertile women will somehow rub off on me, sprinkling baby dust on my fingers as they run down each page.

So I found myself ankle-deep in the article, trying to stop myself from wading in any further, my eyes growing bigger and more horrified as I read the tales of "accidents", abortions and babies. All of them yanked on my heartstrings, some exacting my sympathy for women in truly desperate and lonely situations. But there was one name-has-been-changed story that was so disgusting I had to read it again just to make sure I hadn't misunderstood it the first time.

"Nicole", a mother of two children with two abortions under her belt talks about becoming "accidentally" pregnant for the third time:

"I wanted to seize the moment," she says [referring to the accidental conception], and she was sure the timing was safe. Then she sighs, adding, "Our lives are so regimented. On some level, I think I was daring myself to tap into this well of mystery and awe that can come about with an unplanned pregnancy." If she's really honest with herself, she also just wanted to know if her body was "still capable of creating the miracle that is pregnancy."

She terminated that "miracle" with yet another abortion.

So the creation of human life is nothing more than a fun science experiment, a volcanic mixing of vinegar and baking soda to be thrown in the trash when the science fair is over? Well, congratulations, Nicole, you were "womanly" enough to conceive a human being. Good for you and your perfectly functional reproductive system. Don't let any pangs of guilt get to you when you destroy the little "parasite" who is threatening to inconvenience your life.

The idea that someone would purposely get pregnant just for some kind of reproductive gold star, fully intending to terminate the life of the human being resulting from such experimentation chills me to the bone. I don't think it's possible to get any more vile than this woman. This is a case of cold-blooded, pre-meditated murder. And there is nothing sadder or more disgusting than that.