Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Death to Exercise

You know how there are people who love to exercise?  And not only do they love to exercise, they like to tell you that you should love to exercise too.

THEM:  "I feel so invigorated after a run!  Don't you just feel great after a good workout?"

ME:  "I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said.  I was busy plotting ways to kill you."

For the record, this is how I feel after a workout:


Which is why, when someone posted on their Facebook wall the "inspirational" quote that is constantly making the rounds through the in-shape population -- "No one has said, 'I regret that work out.'  Ever." -- I actually snorted through my nose.

Every time I get off the treadmill I'm like, "I totally wish I'd spent that half-hour sleeping instead."

Oh, I know, it's supposed to get better.  But when 'better' means 'you'll be able to do something you hate doing for a longer period of time", I gotta say, I think I'll pass.

I mean, if I can live till I am 85 through a strict regimen of exercise and copious celery ingestion OR I can live till I'm 80 and spend lots of time on the couch, eating cookies, sorry, I think I'll pick the second one.

Of course, I did have the buttons pop off of two pairs of shorts in one day last week.  (In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have bought that Costco-sized box of 175 peppermint patties "to save money").  But I can comfort myself with the thought that I won't be the first to die if there is a famine.

Besides, I once read that people who get a "high" from exercise are more emotionally unstable than those of us for whom exercise serves the same function as bamboo shoots under the fingernails.  Yeah, exercise does all sorts of fancy things like "improve cognitive function" and "enhance metabolic processes" but who cares about that when there are brownies to be eaten?  I mean, talk about improving cognitive function.  Hand me a brownie and I'll suddenly recall the location of every single gram of sugar in my house.

I'd like to see an exercise fanatic do that.


Mean Aunt said...

Ha ha! So true. Now I want a brownie.

Jodi said...

Oh how I love you and your blog...and peppermint patties. Thanks for the good laugh and, I agree, "Death to Exercise!"

Stephanie Black said...

Bonnie, you are awesome. I wonder how I missed that inspirational FB quote?

The key to enjoying exercise more is to reward yourself with chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

Unknown said...

Funny how you can read my thoughts and then write them as a blog post. Next time you have brownies, call me!

Bonnie said...

Unknown, I would love to have brownies with you! There is just the small problem of not knowing who you are. Care to reveal your identity?