Friday, April 20, 2012

By the Numbers: Fitness Edition

When you're out of shape it isn't always easy to quantify just how badly.  Even stepping on a scale isn't necessarily an indicator of how long you could, say, outrun an axe-wielding maniac (which my sister suggested is the only legitimate reason for engaging in such an exercise).  I certainly couldn't last -- not even if the axe-wielding maniac were a tortoise with one good foot. 

How do I know this?  I stepped on my (severely under-utilized) treadmill yesterday. 

Speed:  5 mph
Time it took for my calves and feet to start cramping up: 1 minute, 30 seconds
Time it took to start feeling like I was going to throw up: 2 minutes
Total time I spent on the treadmill: 20 minutes
Total time I spent running on the treadmill: 6 minutes.  Okay, maybe it was 5 and a half.
Level of gratitude I felt when Michael woke up early and started crying because he couldn't find me, giving me an excuse to stop exercising (scale of 1-10): 10
Time I spent cuddling with him before jumping in the shower: 10 minutes
Number of extra calories I got to eat because I exercised: 90
The amount of food those calories amounted to: diddly squat
Times I wanted to bury my face in a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: 6
Times I logged onto Facebook and wanted to punch someone for saying how much they LOVE to wake up at the crack of dawn and exercise: 16.  Um, I mean 3.  (Give me a break, I'm not that bad.  I would never log onto Facebook 16 times in one day).
Times I laughed at my sister saying, "The human body is not meant to run, but to sit on the couch with its hand in a bag of cosmic Cheetos.":  about 35
Times I thought "Mmmmm.... Cheetos": 35
Times I thought about what I was going to eat next: That depends - how many minutes are there in a day?
Number of my kids who asked for Craisins during snack time: 3
Number of calories in 1/3 cup of Craisins: 130
Number of calories that should be in 1/3 cup of Craisins: 5
Chance that I'm going to waste that many calories on Craisins when I could eat Cheetos instead: 0
"Healthy" treats I bought at the grocery store: 2
Number of magazine covers in the check-out line that showed some celebrity saying, "How I got in shape!": 7
Number of those celebrities who were equipped with a personal trainer, a cook, a maid, and a nanny:  7
Chance that Mariah Carey's latest magazine cover was not heavily photoshopped: 0

(Incidentally, the three scariest words in Hollywood are "stretch marks" and "sagging."  Which is kind of funny, considering that stretch marks and sagging are exactly what happens to actual humans when they have babies).

Number of stretch marks I have: I am a stretch mark. 

Did I mention Mariah Carey's cover shot was photoshopped?  Well it was.  No one has twins and then a few months later looks like they've never even heard of babies, let alone carried two of them at once.  Sorry, I'm not buying it.

No really, I'm not buying the magazine.

Mariah Carey irritates me.


Stephanie Black said...

Love it. And I'm delighted that your exercise/weight loss plans will provide us with lots of extremely hilarious blogs.

overlyactive said...

Thanks for the hilarious post. I needed a laugh tonight. I've got five extra kids and one won't stop crying.

Cameron and Nonie said...

You are hilarious. Thanks for making my weight loss more fun, because everything you said is so true. Oh, a little advice on running, because I started "running" last year and thought I was going to die, start out running at a your fast walking speed. Mine was about a 3.5 to a 4 for the first little bit. I am barely hitting a 5 mph for a consistent mile, so work up to it and it's not as bad. And when you want to die you can just walk without turning it down. Good luck beautiful. :)

Cath said...

Laughed through your whole post. Let's embrace our "stretch marks" and sagging. And all that twinskin? We earned it my friend! ;) Really, Mariah. I'm disappointed. Thanks for the entertainment tonight.