My sister recently sent me a link to an advice column she described thus: "I think this exact column is in the Book of Revelations under 'end of the world'."
How can I resist? If that doesn't have my name all over it, I don't know what does.
For those who do not want to read the insanity for themselves, allow me to summarize: Deployed military man has a girlfriend who wants to get her slut on with some/any random guy to quell the sexual frustration she has felt due to Military Man's absence, and suggests he have a "last" fling as well. Military Man writes "Advice Goddess" Amy Alkon to find out how to get his lady friend to reign in her libido for another 60 days until he returns home. If it is simply not possible for her to keep her pants up for that long, he asks Ms. Alkon, "How do I get okay with this?"
Well, it is a pickle, isn't it? What on earth does one do with a girlfriend who wants to bang the first person she meets who has functional anatomy? Well, honey, I say, if she wants a fling, give her one -- to the curb, with bags packed. This relationship will never last. What happens if you get deployed again, or have a medical issue that doesn't allow for a frequent roll in the hay? What if she gets bored with you or decides the Fling Man was a better investment? This is not the sort of woman who will stand by you when times are tough. She can't even stand by you when you are 60 days out.
But, I'm getting ahead of myself. After all, I am not the advice columnist here. So what does Ms. Alkon have to say about the situation?
"It might help to recognize that sex isn't special - or isn't necessarily special. Insects have sex, and not just because one particular bug means more to them than any other, but because the urge to get it on is just one of the many physical urges of living critters, like the urge to eat lunch... Assuming there's no pregnancy, disease, or continued attachment, yesterday's sex act is no more relevant than yesterday's lunch."
Pardon me, but what the WHAT???
Sex is no more significant than yesterday's PBJ?! Ms. Alkon, if you truly believe this, you are doing it wrong. Intimate connection of body parts cannot possibly be as meaningless as a roast beef on rye - to suggest such a thing is ludicrous. And if, as you say, we should take our behavioral cues from the animal world, why not bite off the head of your mate as soon as the sex act is complete? After all, that's what some insects do. It's just a biological urge. It doesn't actually mean anything. Just make sure you print out the wiki section of "mating habits of the praying mantis" when you are booked into jail for first-degree murder.
I have no idea where this sex-is-meaningless idea originated (oh wait, yes I do... that would Satan. You know, the Father of Lies?) but it doesn't matter how many times it is written or spoken, or whether it is believed by 99% of the world's population. Sex is not meaningless. Deep down, we know this, which is why we are confused when the entire college campus says there is something wrong with us if we don't want to engage in bathroom stall hook-ups with random strangers, or when advice columnists say that people like Military Man are so dreadfully old-fashioned for believing a significant other should not engage in "insignificant" sex acts with the nearest batch of horny toads. Degrading (yes, degrading) sex into something purely biological is pathetic and sad and will lead to unhappiness the likes of which you have never known.
Sex is a gift from God and has the potential to be incredibly bonding and special, even spiritual. But, as with all gifts, if we don't understand what it is for or how to use it properly (i.e., within the bounds the Lord has set) we will end up hurting ourselves and others in the process.
So, my advice to Military Man? Fling your girlfriend out of your life.
And send Amy Alkon with her.