Friday, August 18, 2017

It's a Small World After All

A few days ago I was chatting with a friend when her 12-year-old daughter chimed into our conversation with, "Mom, PLEASE have another baby! PLEASE!" And then, for the convincing cherry on top she added, "It's not that hard!"
We snorted. And laughed. And I thought to myself, yeah, it's basically Disneyland. Not hard at all.
But then it occurred to me, what if pregnancy *were* a trip through Disneyland?
You'd start at Snow White's Scary Adventure, where you'd pee on a stick and see those life-altering pink lines appear. This would be followed closely by a 24/7 spin on the teacups at Mad Tea Party (because apparently, the best way to grow an entire human is to regularly empty your stomach of anything nutritious). Then it's off to Splash Mountain where you will deal with a constant waterfall from your bladder for 40 weeks.
Eventually (hopefully) the nausea will abate to the extent that you'll want to devour everything in sight on Heimlich's Chew Chew Train. And then it's time to check out little Ariel's Undersea Adventure via ultrasound (Congratulations! You're having a mermaid!) and you'll feel the first little flutters and kicks that turn you into Alice in Wonderland.
But then -- Jumpin' Jellyfish! -- the baby gets bigger and uses your bladder as a trampoline. Your house turns into Toy Story Mania as you buy books and clothes and rattles and blankies. And Dumbo the "Waddling" Elephant meets Big Thunder Mountain Railroad as you wind your way to closing time.
Guardians of the Galaxy -- Mission BREAKOUT begins, followed closely by California Screamin'. (Epidural version: Soarin' Over California). And then the finale: Buzz Lightyear's Astro Blasters. And I do mean *Astro* Blasters.
You did it! Your screaming bundle of joy is here! Welcome to Monsters, Inc.! Don't forget to stop by the ever-enjoyable postpartum bodily fluids parade, Grizzly River Rapids, on your way to the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. (Seriously, blowouts, color, consistency. You'll cover it all. And get covered in all of it).
Hey, it turns out, having a baby really *is* like going to Disneyland! And it's just as expensive!
Who knew?

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