Pregnancy: A Guide to Asking Questions

Pregnancy:  A condition that causes strangers, casual acquaintances, and even some friends and family members to behave like complete buffoons.

How do I know this?  Hahaha!  Surely you jest.

For some reason, anything related to childbirth tends to short-circuit common courtesy and tact.  So, as a public service, I present to you a guideline for asking questions.  There is just one simple trick:

Would a similar question (or statement) be appropriate when a woman is not pregnant?

For example:

To Pregnant Woman:  "Do you plan to deliver vaginally or by c-section?"

To NotPregnant Woman:  "What are your upcoming plans for your vagina?"

See?  It's easy.

Still unsure?

To PW:  "Was this pregnancy a surprise?"

To NPW:  "Did you intend to have sex with your husband last Tuesday?"

---------------

To PW:  "Are you going to breastfeed?"

To NPW:  "What do you intend to do with your breasts for the next year?"

----------------

To PW:  "Did you do fertility treatments?"

To NPW:  "Are your breasts real?"

-----------------

To PW:  "You look huge!"

To NPW:  "My, you're fat!"

-----------------

To PW:  "Should you be eating that?"

To NPW:  "Should you be eating that?"

-----------------

To PW:  *Pats belly*

To NPW:  *Pats belly*

------------------

To PW:  "Are you pregnant?"

To NPW:  "Are you pregnant?"

I don't care if the woman is "obviously" pregnant.  Believe me, as someone who has been mistaken for being "obviously" pregnant, nothing is more demoralizing than a person checking out the box of Godiva chocolates that settled just south of your belly button and asking, "When are you due?"

As a rule, I would say that most women like to be (very) well-acquainted with someone before discussing their private parts, their sex life, their weight, or any of their plans for the future.  (Of course, knowing what the college bar scene is like these days, maybe that's just me...)  But think, people.  Think before you speak.  Realize that 99% of what is going on with any woman's body is absolutely none of your business, pregnant or not.

And if you simply must ask a question, try one of these:

"Would you like my chair?"

"You look beautiful!"

"May I help you with that?"

Or my favorite:

"Have some chocolate."

And please, please keep your hands to yourself.

Kids

Kids like little holes.  Specifically, putting things in little holes.  Which is how we ended up with a bead shoved all the way down Matthew's ear canal Wednesday afternoon, courtesy of Leah.  Thanks, Leah.

Of course, this is better than tiny objects up the nose (if I had a nickel for every Lego I've removed from Matthew's nose... never mind the marshmallow incident...).  Or at least I thought so, until I found out my son would have to go to the hospital and be sedated so they can remove a bead from his ear.

I can just imagine the waiting room now:

"My son is having tubes put in his ears."

"Mine is having having his tonsils out."

"Mine has a bead stuck in his ear..."

Oh well.  I  can record it in my Great Moments in Parenting, right next to the time I had to call Poison Control on Leah twice in one month ("Wild hyenas would be more qualified to raise children than you are, Mrs. Overly...") and the time Matthew and Leah both fell all the way down the stairs within two minutes of each other while I was standing, oblivious, ten feet away.

At least something in the ear canal won't migrate to his brain while we wait for Matthew's "procedure" this afternoon.  And at least the bead can't go past the eardrum.  (Come to think of it, maybe this is payback for the time Matthew jammed a q-tip through Leah's eardrum).

I don't know if it's because I am operating at Full Frazzle this week or what, but my kids seem to be on a mission to send me to the loony bin. My sweet, girly Leah -- when she wasn't sticking beads in her brother's ear -- peed on my lawn this week.  Yes, you read that right.  The only child with non-adjustable private parts peed on my lawn.

When she got in trouble for stripping off her panties and watering the grass, she wailed over the unfairness of it all.  "But Michael and Matthew peed on the lawn and didn't get in trouble!"

Um, what?

"Matthew, did you pee on the lawn?"

"Yes."

"Michael, did you pee on the lawn?"

"No...  well, not on the lawn.  Just in the window well."

Oh good, because that's SO MUCH BETTER.

Really, I'm just telling you all this because I feel it justifies the fact that I ate nothing but pumpkin candies for dinner last night.  Normally about three of those things is enough to send me into sugar shock, but it's just been that kind of week.

Don't judge.

Every Mother a Critic

I just watched a video of a c-section, because I'm weird like that.  And all I have to say is that is abundantly clear why you are in so much pain afterward.  I mean, good heavens, they go in there and rip things apart without even using a knife for all of it.  They rip things.  Lots of things.  Ouch.

Of course, vaginal births aren't the most fun either.  Really, there is just no good way to get a baby out of you.  Which is one of my questions for God.  I mean, wouldn't childbirth be easier if the exit were, say, a little more exit-y?  Maybe if there were some kind of zipper involved?

Of course, there is no good way to get a baby out of you, but according to the internet, there is a right way.  And it doesn't involve epidurals.

Now, I know "women have been doing it this way for thousands of years" and I have no problem with natural childbirth.  If you want to ride that pony, be my guest.  But, keep in mind, the reason women did it that way for thousands of years is because they didn't have any other options.  Personally, I like to think that, given the choice, Eve would have been like, "Epidural?  Yes, please!"

So, if you choose to give birth naturally, afterward your line is, "I loved my birth experience!" not "I am superior to anyone who has an epidural!" 

Epidurals are not of the devil.  But making other mothers feel like failures is.

Honestly, ladies, enough with the one-true-and-holy-childbirth thing.  As well as the one-true-and-holy-way-to-feed-an-infant thing.

Seriously, in case you've missed it, breastfeeding is a movement now.  Not just a way to feed your baby, but a moral superiority card you can play whenever someone criticizes you for whipping out your Double D's in the middle of Olive Garden.  (Just type "Nurse-in" into google and you'll see what I mean).

Is breastfeeding great?  Absolutely!  Should you be able to feed your baby anywhere and anytime you need to?  Certainly!  But you know what else is great?  Politeness.  Kindness.  Not flashing your boobs at everyone around you just because the law is on your side.

Also great?  Formula!  Isn't it wonderful that so many babies are growing up healthy and strong thanks to this scientific advancement?  So why do mothers go around criticizing other women for not breastfeeding?  "You're feeding your baby something that is meeting all his nutritional needs!  How dare you?!"

Um, yeah.

Unfortunately, the criticism doesn't stop there.  Pacifiers.  Diapers.  Sleep training.  Potty training...  need I go on?

Let's lay aside the judgment, ladies.  There is more than one way to do all of these things.

And more than one way to do them right.