Friday, May 4, 2012

It's a Criminal!

Jessica Simpson, sister to Ashlee mother-of-Bronx-Mowgli Simpson, recently gave birth to a bouncing baby boy named Maxwell Drew Johnson.  Ah, finally, a nice normal name from a celebrity.  I never thought I would see the day.

Wait, what's that you say?  Maxwell Drew is a girl?

Oy vey.

I know I'm in the minority these days, but if I could give any advice to new parents it would be this:  Think very, very carefully before you saddle your child with a name she will have to spend the rest of her life explaining -- whether that's how to say it, how to spell it, or that she is actually a girl in spite of the fact that her name reeks of testosterone.

Although, in the case of Jessica Simpson, I suppose I can be grateful for two things: one, she didn't name her daughter "Bronx Mowgli", and two, she didn't name her "Stapler Thunderstorm" or "Fiddle-Faddle Kazoo," as suggested by Ellen's hilarious Celebrity Baby Name Generator.  (To see the clip from Ellen's show, click here and fast forward to 4:58).

And at least little Maxwell Drew isn't destined for a life of crime, unlike the woman whose parents looked upon her sweet infant face 30 years ago and said, "Isn't she precious?  Let's name her Fellony."  I mean, can anyone really be surprised that this woman ended up behind bars, charged with, yes, a felony?

(No word yet on how her siblings Larceny, Battery, and Perjury are doing...)

But keep in mind that this is coming from someone who named her son "Michael", which was recently classified as one of the most hated baby names in America, so what do I know?


Aaron said...

Samara's soccer coach told us about a teacher friend who was reading a list of new students' names in class. He got to one name and stumbled. "L-a Smith" was written on the paper. So he called out for the student as best he could, "Ell Ay Smith?... Lah Smith?..." The student spoke up, "You say the dash, it's LaDASHah"

Aaron said...

After doing some googling, it looks like my previous story is an urban legend. :(