Sunday I attended church. By "church" I mean The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. By "attended" I mean "walked the halls with cranky babies".
As usual.
But this time I paused in my up-one-hall-down-the-other pattern to read the list of new primary classes for the 2011 year.
Oh my word, Utahns give their children the most ridiculous names! (If you don't believe me, check out this website). I even pecked a few of the worst ones into my iphone so I could remember to share them with David after our meetings were over.
Seriously, what would possess parents to give their daughter a lifelong headache by naming her Aarikkaa instead of Erika?
Sigh.
I understand that I am ultra traditional and ultra conservative when it comes to naming children. In fact, I am so paranoid about giving a child a confusing-to-pronounce or easily misspelled name that if I had known in advance how many people would mispronounce "Leah" I might have gone for something else instead. (For the record, it's Lee-uh, not Lay-uh).
While I understand the whole heritage or ancestry thing (using family names or names of cultural significance, that sort of thing) nobody, and I repeat, nobody has an ancestor named Jaxtyn. Besides, that's what middle names are for. If you have a relative whom you feel you must honor by christening your child "Nebuchadnezzar", for heaven's sake, do not use it as a first name! It is not cute or sweet to give your child a name that will force him to explain in job interviews that you were drunk when you named him.
It reminds me of my secretarial days when I picked up the phone and was greeted on the other end by a perky-sounding woman named "Jingle". I asked her to repeat her name for clarification, because up to that point I had given the human race more credit for naming their children and was pretty sure my ears had fritzed out on me.
"It's Jingle, like jingle bell," she sighed.
It's really too bad for her that her parents mistakenly thought they were naming a fluffy kitten. I mean, she could be nuclear-physicist smart, and yet, all it would take is one little introduction and you would be distracted from her accomplishments by the Barbie giggles ringing in your head. (Or "jingling", as it were).
Your children have great potential. Don't ruin it for them by giving them ridiculous names.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
It's a New Year
Time for a New Year's Resolution. I've made one, but I'm not going to tell you what it is. You see, I wouldn't want you to be embarrassed that your New Year's Resolution is some tiny little thing like discover a new planet or eradicate malaria. Because, wouldn't you feel ridiculous if all you did was win the Nobel Prize and I was like, "I mopped my kitchen floor ONCE A MONTH for an entire year!" Yeah, that would be pretty humiliating for you.
I will say that, for the first time in my entire life, I actually made and kept a New Year's resolution! Minus a couple of days when I was in the hospital strung up to an IV pole or barfing my guts out (and who is going to make me count those?), I actually took a shower and got ready every single day this year. Just like I said I would!
Yes, that is the earth trembling under your feet.
How did I do it, you ask? At first I would put the babies in their pack 'n play to protect them from the deviousness of their older brother. Then one day I heard (extra) screaming while I was in the shower and found this:
So, I've had to reconfigure a few times. I've listened to a lot of crying. And I've gone racing down the hall a hundred times, dripping wet, to drag my little mischief-maker to time out so I could have a chance to wash the shampoo out of my hair.
Last week it dawned on me: If I could actually make and meet a goal to shower every day, what else am I capable of doing?
Whoa. Maybe I actually can mop the floor once a month!
Hey, anything is possible.
I will say that, for the first time in my entire life, I actually made and kept a New Year's resolution! Minus a couple of days when I was in the hospital strung up to an IV pole or barfing my guts out (and who is going to make me count those?), I actually took a shower and got ready every single day this year. Just like I said I would!
Yes, that is the earth trembling under your feet.
How did I do it, you ask? At first I would put the babies in their pack 'n play to protect them from the deviousness of their older brother. Then one day I heard (extra) screaming while I was in the shower and found this:
So, I've had to reconfigure a few times. I've listened to a lot of crying. And I've gone racing down the hall a hundred times, dripping wet, to drag my little mischief-maker to time out so I could have a chance to wash the shampoo out of my hair.
Last week it dawned on me: If I could actually make and meet a goal to shower every day, what else am I capable of doing?
Whoa. Maybe I actually can mop the floor once a month!
Hey, anything is possible.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Privacy Clause
I knew I should have read the fine print when I signed up for motherhood. I glossed over the "Lack of Privacy" section of the contract because I read it immediately following a gynecological exam where the only nod at modesty was in the form of a 2x2 piece of tissue paper that I think was supposed to cover my left elbow. Thus, worrying about privacy seemed pretty meaningless after I'd just been hanging out with my feet in the stirrups.
But seriously, Michael is 4 now, which means I WOULD JUST LIKE 5 MEASLY MINUTES TO USE THE BATHROOM BY MYSELF! Whew, sorry, was that me yelling?
We've had a dozen conversations in the past week about privacy and modesty, highlighting basics such as the fact that it isn't polite to barge in on someone who is in any degree of undress. For some reason he has taken this as some sort of quest to bring down the bathroom door. Man the battle stations! Mom is using the potty!
"Michael, I need my privacy while I use the toilet. Please stop banging on the door!"
"But mom, I need to be in there!"
"No you don't! Go away and I'll be out in a few minutes!"
"But I need to be with you!"
"Go find something else to do for a few minutes."
He tests the lock.
"I'll just stand right here and wait for you!" he says.
Ten little toes appear beneath the door.
"Are you done yet, Mom?"
"No, go away!"
"Because you need your privacy?"
"Yes, because I need my privacy."
"I don't know what privacy means, Mom."
You and Julian Assange.
"Are you pooping or peeing, Mom?"
Should I confess I'm holed up in the bathroom reading snatches of Harry Potter 7? Hmm, nope.
Now where is that candy bar I stashed under the sink?
But seriously, Michael is 4 now, which means I WOULD JUST LIKE 5 MEASLY MINUTES TO USE THE BATHROOM BY MYSELF! Whew, sorry, was that me yelling?
We've had a dozen conversations in the past week about privacy and modesty, highlighting basics such as the fact that it isn't polite to barge in on someone who is in any degree of undress. For some reason he has taken this as some sort of quest to bring down the bathroom door. Man the battle stations! Mom is using the potty!
"Michael, I need my privacy while I use the toilet. Please stop banging on the door!"
"But mom, I need to be in there!"
"No you don't! Go away and I'll be out in a few minutes!"
"But I need to be with you!"
"Go find something else to do for a few minutes."
He tests the lock.
"I'll just stand right here and wait for you!" he says.
Ten little toes appear beneath the door.
"Are you done yet, Mom?"
"No, go away!"
"Because you need your privacy?"
"Yes, because I need my privacy."
"I don't know what privacy means, Mom."
You and Julian Assange.
"Are you pooping or peeing, Mom?"
Should I confess I'm holed up in the bathroom reading snatches of Harry Potter 7? Hmm, nope.
Now where is that candy bar I stashed under the sink?
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Notice of Violation
Mr. Michael Overly
2nd Bedroom on the Left
House on the Corner
Dear Sir,
It has come to our attention that, in the course of your current illness, there have been several egregious violations of the Nose Wiping Act of 2006. Article 1, Section 1 of this law states that all fluids contained in a person's nasal cavity shall be disposed of properly, following sanitation practices as prescribed in Section 2 of this law; these practices include, but are not limited to, use of proper sanitation facilities and products contained in one's household. For a list of appropriate products to use when blowing one's nose, please review Addendum 2.1, a copy of which has been included with this letter for your convenience.
Below you will find a list of your most recent violations:
Your sister's hair
Your mother's bedspread
Your mother's arm
A dishtowel
Your blanket
The couch
The carpet in the living room
While the current law does not expressly prohibit blowing one's nose and eating it, it is generally expected that individuals will avoid practices considered socially unacceptable or disgusting.
As this is your first Official Notice of Violation, action will not be taken against you at this time; however, you are expected to appear before your Household Magistrate for a refresher course in proper nose wiping procedures.
Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sincerely,
Hugh S. Tissue
Department of Sanitation
2nd Bedroom on the Left
House on the Corner
Dear Sir,
It has come to our attention that, in the course of your current illness, there have been several egregious violations of the Nose Wiping Act of 2006. Article 1, Section 1 of this law states that all fluids contained in a person's nasal cavity shall be disposed of properly, following sanitation practices as prescribed in Section 2 of this law; these practices include, but are not limited to, use of proper sanitation facilities and products contained in one's household. For a list of appropriate products to use when blowing one's nose, please review Addendum 2.1, a copy of which has been included with this letter for your convenience.
Below you will find a list of your most recent violations:
Your sister's hair
Your mother's bedspread
Your mother's arm
A dishtowel
Your blanket
The couch
The carpet in the living room
While the current law does not expressly prohibit blowing one's nose and eating it, it is generally expected that individuals will avoid practices considered socially unacceptable or disgusting.
As this is your first Official Notice of Violation, action will not be taken against you at this time; however, you are expected to appear before your Household Magistrate for a refresher course in proper nose wiping procedures.
Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sincerely,
Hugh S. Tissue
Department of Sanitation
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
It's the Most Offensive Time of the Year
Imagine, for a moment, that you are wandering down the streets of India during the annual Hindu celebration of Diwali. In a spirit of good will and neighborliness, someone says to you, "Diwali Greetings!" or "Best wishes to you on Diwali!" What would you say in response?
Would you say, "I don't celebrate Diwali."? Of course you wouldn't, because you are a decent, polite person. You would probably say "Thank you!" You might even add, "You, too!", because that's what decent people do - they respond to pleasantries with pleasantries. Decent people do not take offense at the well-wishes of strangers, regardless of religious differences.
I guess this is why I felt a little annoyed when I read an advice-column question from a Jewish woman looking for help on how to respond to the constant barrage of Christmas cheer. "I'm tired of people wishing me a Merry Christmas," she wrote. "How should Jews respond...?"
A rabbi answered:
"My advice is to be polite, but persistent, in telling people that you do not celebrate Christmas. When Jews and other non-Christians acquiesce to "Merry Christmas" greetings with responses like, "You, too," or just nervous smiles, we only perpetuate the idea that Christmas is for everyone... What do you say when well-wishers wish you a 'merry Christmas'? My answer is, 'Thank you, but I don't celebrate Christmas. Let me wish you the best on your holiday.'"
My question is, why do we feel it necessary to explain our holiday observances to a grocery store cashier or a Salvation Army volunteer who is simply hoping to collect coins for the homeless? If you have a friendship with someone, by all means, tell them you don't celebrate Christmas. But a random person who is doing nothing more than offering a friendly greeting? For heaven's sake, just say, "Thank you!" and continue on your way! It isn't "perpetuating the idea that Christmas is for everyone". It's perpetuating the idea that politeness is for everyone.
And another thing; for the sake of consistency, let's pretend we are back in India during the celebration of Diwali. If, as an American Christian, you saw holiday displays in the Town Square commemorating the Festival of Lights, would you be offended? Of course not! Hinduism is a majority religion in India! Wouldn't you find it odd if all religious expression had been stifled out of the public square?
Likewise, why is it such a big deal to have a Nativity Scene on government property? According to one poll, 93% of Americans celebrate Christmas (even though only about 80% of those interviewed identified themselves as Christians). A Nativity Scene on government property is not an endorsement of Christianity - it's a recognition of the fact that 90% of Americans celebrate Christmas. If 90% of Americans celebrated National Gum Drop Day (It's January 15th!), wouldn't it be logical for gum drop houses to appear on government lawns?
When I was working at an engineering firm a few years back, a handful of my coworkers were practicing Muslims. Every year, with a big grin and well-wishes for everyone, one of these Muslim coworkers would bring in a huge cake to mark the end of Ramadan.
Did I say, "Thank you, but I don't observe Ramadan."? No way! I said, "Thank you so much! Pass the cake!"
And every year, this Muslim coworker was right there enjoying himself at the office Christmas party.
So, to this Jewish woman who was looking for advice, I would say, stop getting miffed when someone wishes you "Merry Christmas" and start appreciating politeness.
After all, it's just a piece of cake.
Would you say, "I don't celebrate Diwali."? Of course you wouldn't, because you are a decent, polite person. You would probably say "Thank you!" You might even add, "You, too!", because that's what decent people do - they respond to pleasantries with pleasantries. Decent people do not take offense at the well-wishes of strangers, regardless of religious differences.
I guess this is why I felt a little annoyed when I read an advice-column question from a Jewish woman looking for help on how to respond to the constant barrage of Christmas cheer. "I'm tired of people wishing me a Merry Christmas," she wrote. "How should Jews respond...?"
A rabbi answered:
"My advice is to be polite, but persistent, in telling people that you do not celebrate Christmas. When Jews and other non-Christians acquiesce to "Merry Christmas" greetings with responses like, "You, too," or just nervous smiles, we only perpetuate the idea that Christmas is for everyone... What do you say when well-wishers wish you a 'merry Christmas'? My answer is, 'Thank you, but I don't celebrate Christmas. Let me wish you the best on your holiday.'"
My question is, why do we feel it necessary to explain our holiday observances to a grocery store cashier or a Salvation Army volunteer who is simply hoping to collect coins for the homeless? If you have a friendship with someone, by all means, tell them you don't celebrate Christmas. But a random person who is doing nothing more than offering a friendly greeting? For heaven's sake, just say, "Thank you!" and continue on your way! It isn't "perpetuating the idea that Christmas is for everyone". It's perpetuating the idea that politeness is for everyone.
And another thing; for the sake of consistency, let's pretend we are back in India during the celebration of Diwali. If, as an American Christian, you saw holiday displays in the Town Square commemorating the Festival of Lights, would you be offended? Of course not! Hinduism is a majority religion in India! Wouldn't you find it odd if all religious expression had been stifled out of the public square?
Likewise, why is it such a big deal to have a Nativity Scene on government property? According to one poll, 93% of Americans celebrate Christmas (even though only about 80% of those interviewed identified themselves as Christians). A Nativity Scene on government property is not an endorsement of Christianity - it's a recognition of the fact that 90% of Americans celebrate Christmas. If 90% of Americans celebrated National Gum Drop Day (It's January 15th!), wouldn't it be logical for gum drop houses to appear on government lawns?
When I was working at an engineering firm a few years back, a handful of my coworkers were practicing Muslims. Every year, with a big grin and well-wishes for everyone, one of these Muslim coworkers would bring in a huge cake to mark the end of Ramadan.
Did I say, "Thank you, but I don't observe Ramadan."? No way! I said, "Thank you so much! Pass the cake!"
And every year, this Muslim coworker was right there enjoying himself at the office Christmas party.
So, to this Jewish woman who was looking for advice, I would say, stop getting miffed when someone wishes you "Merry Christmas" and start appreciating politeness.
After all, it's just a piece of cake.
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